Friday, October 28, 2011

{what do we do?}

Do you follow Stephanie Howell's blog? If not, you should. She is an amazing scrapbooker and mom and has been posting a challenge once a month to blog your heart. This has been on my mind lately.

Do we have another child? I guess the answer is probably yes at first glance. But when it comes down to it? Can I do it? Can we do it? Can I go through this again?

Those of you that know me personally know that I battled postpartum depression for many months after Keira was born. She was not well. She was sick and in the NICU on oxygen for 3 weeks. Do you know what that does to you as a mother? You feel like you failed. You did everything right that you possibly could and still your baby is ill. You drive home from the hospital every night with an empty car seat in the back of your car and come home to an empty nursery with an empty crib.

You lay in bed at night staring at pictures on your cell phone of your baby. Your baby that is 50 miles away being taken care of by people you don't even know. You cry. and cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left. You wake up in the middle of the night thinking that maybe someone has stolen her out of the hospital. You call the nurses to make sure she is ok. They think you are probably nuts.

And they are probably right. Because every time you walk through those locked doors of the ward, you leave a piece of your heart and soul behind. And you can't wait.....can't wait. To take her home. Because then, everything will be fine! Your life will be wonderful with you and your husband and your new baby.

Then you FINALLY get to bring her home. Except life is different. It is not the same and you want your old life back. The one where you can sleep all night without being woken up every 3 hours. The one where you could do as you pleased, watch marathons of Family Guy for 8 hours straight on a Saturday without a care in the world.

The part of you that can see how blessed and lucky you are to finally have a healthy happy baby? That is broken. You can't even go out in public for fear that your baby will start crying and you won't know what to do. You say time and time again.....I am never going through this again. Never!!

But then you get help. You get treatment and therapy and support from your husband. Your baby starts sleeping through the night. She starts laughing and talking and walking. And you think maybe.....just maybe? Nope. Not yet.

Then she turns two. Another baby? Hell to the no.

And then sometime around the time she's about to turn 2 1/2 you are entertaining the idea of having another one.......really?

I feel like I'm jumping headfirst into a pool and I don't know how to swim. Help me people.


glorygirl said...

Your honesty about this is beautiful. May God lead you and your husband to the perfect decision for your family!

Stephanie Howell said...

it's a tough, TOUGH decision whether or not you have PPD. i can't imagine how hard it would be if you did,it's exhausting and maddening and beautiful without are so brave to blog your heart, hank you!!